At That Distance
God sees all my sins from up there
With an angry dissatisfied stare
But his perch in the sky
Is a thousand miles high
At that distance, pray, why should I care?

Being Happy's Not Allowed
Unfortunately there seems to be a crowd
Who think that being happy's not allowed
To that miserable class
Life's a half-empty glass
And every silver lining has a cloud!

The Billionaire Hoarder
A billionaire loves money, understandably
But he hoards it and won't help humanity
Who needs a billion?
That's one thousand million!
Sitting on such a pile is insanity!

Brand Name Superlatives
Folks use brand name superlatives when talkin'
You hear "the Cadillac of this or that" often
And one of these brands
Fits this thing in my pants
This absolute Wurlitzer of an organ!

A Break With Tradition
I'd rather not leave it to chance
Where the mortician places my hands
So here's my request
Put my left on my chest
But my right I want inside my pants!

Bubble World
Life and reality flow by us unseen
We're glued to that "bubble world" tumbling on the screen
But if all we ever see
Are the soaps on TV
We'll end up as nothing but watching machines!

Circus Lady
A circus lady named Dana
Was their "big cat" animal trainer
That made her spouse
Pussyfoot 'round the house
And think twice before disobeyin' her!

Composing a Sonnet Is Rough
Composing a sonnet is rough
To rhyme 14 lines can be tough
So my love I'll convey
This limerick way
And hope that five lines are enough!

A Cure for Insomnia
Does insomnia rob you of sleep?
There's a cure both effective and cheap
Think of sheep — any number
Lying peacefully in slumber
Close your eyes and you'll soon follow sheep!

Dalai Lama's Compassion
We need a next life, two or three
To correct moral failings, you see
'Cause we're not really good
'Til we've reached angelhood
Doesn't sound like compassion to me!

Dietary Remorse
Her fantasy of weight loss sadly squashed
Control of her appetite regrettably lost
There was no question
She needed confession
"Forgive me, Father, for I have noshed!"

Division Of Labor
My wife's a great cook, cooks a lot
And our division of labor is smart
She cooks — it's delicious
Then it's my turn — my dishes
And she's pleased that I'm doing my pot!

The Doctor Phils
Knowing nothing of ego defense
Their advice makes things worse it's so dense
When they say "be realistic"
They're being sadistic
And bludgeoning us with common sense!

Eating All I Want
I'm tired of being thin and gaunt
I dream of eating all I want
If God is kind
I know I'll find
That Heaven is a restaurant!

Email vs. The Queen's English
Email's all lower case and weird type faces
Spelling kinda iffy and no erasures
So what happens next
To the Queen's precious text?
nocommasnoperiodsnospaces?

Equal Rights
Free speech is what justice compels
Against bigotry, fairness rebels
To equal rights, let us drink
It lets everyone think
That they're better than everyone else!

Every Day Is Judgment Day
My sense of guilt is quite profound
An accusing finger follows me 'round
Makes every day
A Judgment Day
And me the judge with two thumbs down!

Fond Memory
Of all my fond memories there's one that I have
As clear in my mind as a new photograph
Sunny the day and blue the sky
Like yesterday, there's Curls and I
Playing catch with a tennis ball on Richmond Ave.

Freud's Right
Freud's right — each man has a lover
Who lies deep in his heart like no other
I'm no different it seems
Cause I know what Freud means —
That the girl of my dreams is my mother!

"Give Me Your Hungry"
It's not hunger for freedom brings folks to our land
Hot dogs every day for lunch is the plan
First thing the "hungry" see
Is the Statue of Liberty
And the hot dog she promised raised high in her hand!

Global Warming
Global warming is real, it's no mystery
There'll be famine, flood, heat beyond blistery
And unless we can end
This apocalyptic trend
We'll discover our future is history!

Global Warming Is Here
Global warming is here, you can tell
So get ready to kiss life farewell
We've been warned — we're not dumb
It's clear what's to come
They're predicting, "high water and hell!"

A God of Compassion
My god's a god of compassion
Doesn't thunder, "Obey without question!"
Folks harbor resentments
Of those Ten Commandments
A kind god would make...Ten Suggestions.

God's Name
"Never write out G-d's name," they'd command
Kept it secret for centuries on end
But their code was no proof
'Gainst this talented sleuth
I've decrypted G-d's name — it's
   ✨Ghyphend!✨

A Golfer with Class
They know I'm a golfer with class
As I proudly stride over the grass
Never missing a putt
Always making the cut
I'm the dude who kicks everyone's...butt!

A Good Friend Who Listens
A good friend who listens of course is
The best way to cure a neurosis
Are cowboys dejected?
No — calm, cool, collected
'Cause they talk all day long to their horses!

Google
This Google has brains by the ton
It knows everything under the sun
It's our know-it-all pal
Replacing poor Hal
Who got downsized in 2001!

He's Not Here
He's not here because TV's his homeland
Never moves, just the thumb on his right hand
Channels shift in the glow
Does he see? does he know?
He's a spooky new species — Remote Man!

I Think, Therefore I Am
I think, therefore I am, says the man
Hoping to prove that he's real, if he can
The way my thoughts feel
I'd swear that I'm real
But...maybe I only think I am

Just Do It!
When Nike advises "Just do it!"
They mean it's a snap, nothing to it
But if you've got a phobia
And panic sweeps over ya
Their advice doesn't work, so...just screw it!

The Know-It-All
At a party it's safe to assume
You'll encounter this type of buffoon
A know-it-all boor
Who's arrogantly sure
He's the smartest guy in the room!

Life's Not Real
Only movies give real satisfaction
Life's not real — just a painful distraction
The past — movies seen
The present — now on screen
The future — the coming attractions!

A Limerick About Almost Nothing
It's like blowing a bubble or smoke ring
No more real than the emperor's new clothing
Just a time-filler — true
But with nothing to do
I'd rather do this than do nothing!

The Limerick Addict
'Tis a limerick addict I am
No control of the urge worth a damn
I may think they're amusing
But my friends may be choosing
To filter them out as just SPAM!

Losing It
Life's a game where you can't always win
Yes, you're angry, but anger's no sin
It's human to lose it
There's a way to diffuse it
If you freak out, just freak right back in!

Man's Best Friend
"Man's best friend is his dog" goes the song
But the spelling's just a little bit wrong
By adding one letter
We see the truth better
That a man's best friend is his dong!

Masturbation Is Fine
I heard masturbation is fine
Benefits both body and mind
Well, I say that's great
I'd certainly hate
To think I've been wasting my time!

Meditation
I warm up my spiritual motor
Burn incense for spiritual odor
Close my eyes, meditate
Reach a transcendent state
And connect with my deep inner Yoda!

The Mensa Type
At a party it's safe to assume
You'll encounter this type of buffoon
A Mensa-type boor
Who's arrogantly sure
He's the smartest guy in the room!

My Dog Sits Watching
My dog sits watching while "master" stoops
With a plastic baggie to pick up his poops
This needs some explaining
Who's doing the training?
Seems I'm the one jumping through hoops!

The Narcissist
He's a narcissist, what could be clearer
It's "me, me, me" — no one is dearer
It's a strange way to feel
But his friends don't seem real
Except his dear friend in the mirror!

No Free Will
There's no free will and I'm vexed
Seems I'm not the boss — I've been X-ed
Seems the "self" is a sham
A mere ghost hologram
And I've no idea what I'll do next!

The North Polar Bears
Global warming caught them unawares
But they're safe now 'cause somebody cares
Flew them south to that region
Ideal cause it's freezin'
I guess now they're bipolar bears!

Original Sin?
No newborn's a sinner in any sense
Though maybe corrupted by later events
But the minute it's here?
What a nasty idea!
When the truth is — original innocence!

Paint on the Pollock
Some wiseguy who thought he was clever
Splashed paint on a Pollock all over
But you know what, by God?
People still oohed and aahed
Cause the painting looked better than ever!

A Paranoid Life
People scare me out of my wits
They're a danger, I'm certain of this
My lifelong career
Has been burdened with fear
I've been paranoid ever since my bris!

Preparation for Life
They prepared me for life in society
"Be a good boy, behave with propriety"
I absorbed their stern warning
Then woke up one morning
Prepared for a life of anxiety!

On Perfection
Perfection can cause needless stress
"Good enough" is good enough, why obsess?
No need for perfection
Though there is one exception —
When you're typing an email address!

On Reincarnation
I'm ready for reincarnation — if and when
I'd love reconnecting with family and friends
The thought is terrific
But to be more specific
I'm hoping to see my psychiatrist again!

Rolling Two Girls in the Hay
Rolling two girls at once in the hay
Is a sin you'll regret come Judgment Day
Shows a lack of respect
It's not love, it's just sex
But I guess if they're twins it's okay!

My Robot Dog
My robot dog showed total love for me
With non-stop tail-wagging flattery
Obedient — no back talk
Never had to say "bad dog!"
Then he bit me when I reached for his battery!

The Rose And The Carnation
A rose from the French-speaking nation
Fell in love with a Spanish carnation
Though he pollened and pollened
The wind blew toward Holland
And they never achieved consummation!

Rule Number One
It's great to live here in the land of the free
To quote from that anthem by Francis Scott Key
I have the most fun
With my rule number one —
If it's okay with me, then it's okay with me!

Science Is Cool
Science is cool, you can't knock it
Figured out how to make a space rocket
Put a man on the moon
Then their greatest boon
Put that awesome iPhone in your pocket!

A Secret Pal
Children often dream up an ally
A secret pal invisible to the eye
The idea's self deceiving
But some grownups believe in
An imaginary friend up in the sky!

A Serious Affliction
I've been battling a serious affliction
That my doctor calls "donut addiction"
My baker's been told
Though I threaten and scold
No donuts without a prescription!

Soul-Murdered Children
Traumatized and half alive
Soul-murdered children yet survive
Emotions gone
They zombie on
To live a sad post-mortem life!

Suffering From Gas
If you're suffering cause lunch gave you gas
To relieve it, you can't be half-assed
I would punningly say
That to go the "hole" way
You can't be "half-farted" — just blast!

Superego
Superego makes all of us suffer
Causes natural exuberance to smother
God dreamed up neurosis
Then gave us two shoulders
Mom looks over one, dad the other!

Time Doesn't Fly
They say that time flies, I say no
It just moseys along nice and slow
Ten years, I contend
Is time without end
Is it true that time flies? no, time flows!

Too Many Mcs
They tack that "Mc" on everywhere
"McThis," "McThat" their daily fare
Who wants McFoods?"
You can bet your McBoots
I'll stay the McFuck outta there!

Trump's Hands
Trump's hands are so small it's a sin
And a source of deep shame it has been
There's a secret that's known
To his tailor alone
His pockets all need taking in!

The Way to a Man's Heart
The way to a man's heart, say I
Is not through his stomach with pie
Nor with pastry or scone
Nor with just bread alone
The way to his heart's through his fly!

Why We Invented the Devil
Too scary to blame mom and dad
So kids blame themselves and that's sad
With God it's the same
Only praise, never blame
Blame the Devil for everything bad!

Wikipedia
Got a question? just ask Wikipedia
It's the jewel of the internet media
Are the stars far away?
Is that movie star gay?
For a quick answer there's nothing speedier!

World Without Us
Driverless and riderless, electric cars roll by
In darkness, automated factories hum with solar power supply
Two by two, stiff robots walk
Engaged in silent telepathic talk
Where birds once flew, now only drones move through the sky.